two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
