chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
