Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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