mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My dick has a subreddit
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
