he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
