Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
