I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
