i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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