She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
