sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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