i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
