he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
