dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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