I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
