Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
