I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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