I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
