I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
