sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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