Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
