the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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