All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
