PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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