I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
