Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
