I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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