my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
