Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
