I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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