are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
