Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
