he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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