Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
