I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
