yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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