Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
