so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
