If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
