so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
