I'm going to jail i love you
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
