Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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