those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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