so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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