The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
