i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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