you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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