i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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