I need to stop coming to work sober
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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