My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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