I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
