i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
